Murray isn’t human, that means he isn’t an urghhling, he can never be yucky. He’s the best pal I have ever had. No one treats me so preciously like Murray does. If I went to the toilet, he’d be standing loyally like a guard, on the other side of the toilet door waiting for me to finish. If I went upstairs, you can safely bet your last dollar he’d be sitting at the foot of the staircase, looking up to catch the shuffling of my steps across the Tassie Oak floor. Always attentive, he’d wake up from his slumber even if I tried to sneak away from my desk. He never questions my decisions, trusts me implicitly and certainly never argues with me. And he will never complain about me, not a single criticism about the many faults I exhibit. My most reliable and faithful friend, there is never a bad word about me from him. When I returned home from a three week holiday a couple of days ago, Murray got so excited he sprayed wee all over the floor. When I held him in my arms, he was almost quivering with desiderium, and sniffing with shuddering breath. He never fails to melt hearts with his cute doe-eyed looks. I can tell his mood from his expressive round eyes, happy, cheeky, at times bored but never moody. Murray is my best mate, but he’s not my dog.
I have been feeling sad all day and I haven’t stopped saying sorry to Murray.
I let you down, mate. I tried to stop them, but I failed. I sent them a report by the University of Sydney, which advances my argument against “desexing” you, but they dismissed it, very likely ignored it. The study questions the practice of routinely removing the testicles of male dogs. Why do they continue to encourage this barbaric practice? The report shows that there is no evidence that desexing will reduce or avoid behavioural problems such as mounting, roaming, and aggression. Furthermore, the findings suggest that desexed dogs are less bold and therefore less sociable and more in need of human support, and may in fact contribute to problem behaviours that dog owners frown upon. Data show that as more and more dogs are routinely desexed, the animal shelters have become inundated with desexed dogs that display undesirable behaviour. One good reason to have male dogs neutered is to reduce the incidence of testicular cancer or prostate disease. If so, why isn’t this seriously considered for men too? If it’s good for the dog, it surely must be good for urghhlings.
A person is described as ballsy, meaning brave or strong-willed. You’ve got balls, yes you are gutsy. Show us your balls, be courageous. Are our balls important to us? Without them, we can become “harmless” eunuchs in palaces, in servitude to monarchs, without any heir to threaten their rule, and without sexual urges to meddle with their concubines. Without them, one can be a castrato, singing like a contralto soaring in heavenly grace. In medieval times, castration was a common form of punishment for rapists. Even today, some states in America allow chemical castration. They offer their balls for the price of freedom.
But, today, Murray lost his balls. I still can’t face him, the guilt wrecks me. I wasn’t ballsy enough to challenge his owner with more gusto. I failed to match Murray’s loyalty, his faithfulness, his solid respect for me, his steadfastness. I regret I did not behave like Murray, a dog. I behaved like a real urghhling. Too weak, too distracted with work to voice loud support for a friend in dire straits, too quick to give up a fight. Urghh.
Urghhlings 